Coming closer to Reality
Healing means living outside of my inner walls.
During the second week of October, I flew to Portugal to participate in the first Archiarchy Makers Fair. There, possibilitators extended several offers for the space such as intimacy cafes, live worktalks and research spaces. Among others, I attended a research and discovery space about radical freedom that was the beginning of a rabbit hole of changing dimensions.
A space to explore Radical Freedom! How radical and unknown. Surely I feel joy to be in such a space. Joy, yet a lurking fear of the unknown and from the stories that twirl around inside my head. Radical Freedom is a subject that is being researched now very closely by a team of multiple people all over the world with the purpose to bring us close to authentic relations with Life.
In this space, a group of about 12 explorers poised questions and researched through going deeper into every sentence, every moment. There were some answers flying in the space and one of the proposals mentioned by the spaceholder reverberated the loudest for me: “radical freedom is about coming closer to reality.”
Upon hearing these words, I became aware that I felt tremendous fear. My mind tried to make sense of it and I heard my own words pierce through the room: “wait but… what is reality?”
The room focuses on me and asks me to say what reality is.
My box stood by what my mind had derived about what reality is. Up until that moment, I had been sure that the definition for reality was: the conglomeration of decisions, conditionings, beliefs and perceptions adopted by one point of perspective of a human being at any moment in time.
The possibilitators in the room challenged me to step outside of that box answer. I felt unconsciously afraid. I quickly started living in the story that I was being ‘tested’ such as was in school. It all happened in no time at all and my survival mechanisms took me into my mental body where I struggled to find reality within my thoughts or in definitions.
I sat there struggling, truly, I was not finding reality in a past version of me. I could not find reality in my mind that has been conditioned by media, by the disconnection from true intimacy with the family I grew up with, having stored unconscious fears in the subconscious layers of my psyche resulting in having developed an incomplete sense of reality.
Upon my question of what is reality, I was prompted to become a quest-ion for this research. An ion is an atom or molecule with a net electrical charge. Meaning that I would become polarized and start magnetizing the answers.
I real-eyes’d in that moment that my X on the map revealed that I was still coming from the old map of reality and here is why.
During the past year and a half I have engaged in a series of initiations into Adulthood in the context of Radical Responsibility. This is a different type of an adulthood becoming. These initiations are not based on traditions, they are based on transformation and the coming into full potential using all of our bodies and entering the realm of Archiarchy, invoking the next evolutionary phases of humanity. It is a realm of practicing being in authentic connection with Life and living out of a point of origin of harmonious relationship with existence.
I started by participating in the Expand the Box trainings, where I have started to upgrade my thoughtware, or the software of my psyche, through a series of initiations that create a pathway to feeling consciously and navigating within my inner landscapes. The work is about distinguishing the core feelings, Rage, Fear, Sadness and Joy, and unmixing them from each other in order to use them for my life’s purpose and my own evolution within the grand Fabric of Life. I have also been deeply engaged in Rage Clubs to hone in conscious rage for my integrity, clarity, setting my boundaries and sharpening my sword of clarity. This sword of clarity is not only for the external world. This sword of clarity is mainly used for myself, in my inner world.
A deeper part of me was challenged in that moment at that Radical Freedom worktalk. And in that moment, my rising fear took me to the smallest here and now where all of my five bodies: mental, emotional, physical, energetic and archetypal came online and converged and I was ready to make a new assessment.
It is simpler than I thought. To live reality is not about thinking. Reality is experienced.
Coming closer to reality and what drives me away from reality.
Is the past Reality?
NO! The past and the future do not actually exist in the present. They exist as memories in me, yet, I know that my memories are subject to the perspective I was holding at the time I lived those experiences, and that the only real existing factor is the small here and now.
Are the decisions that I have made before Reality?
One could argue that Reality is subjective to my own experience and perspectives and a product of my creation.
Is the future reality?
I could continue using my mind to ponder this. And already, I detect that using my mind is driving me away further from the answers.
It is a fine line and one could have many arguments.
But let’s get deeper into this.
Only a few weeks after this worktalk as I’ve become an ion for this research, I have magnetized huge discoveries about what living closer to reality means.
1. The issue of Pressure
Before my initiations in Expand the Box, continuous practice in Labs, Emotional Healing Processes, worktalks and numerous trainings and practices over the last year, I had been conditioned to be living almost exclusively out of pressure. The pressure that was once external coming from my parents’ desires over me, the perceived authorities in society, school, and the whole of modern culture anchored in ‘what is right’ or driving away from ‘what is wrong’ eventually became deeply internalized, a continuous policing, taming and neglect of my true natural impulses driven by stories, unconscious fears and a terrifying disconnection from other humans.
This resulted in the loss of my agency and freedom. And the subsequent loss of connection with reality. Living in significant survival, led by inner stories and very limited self-assessments.
As I continued this research, I have touched upon deeper answers. A week after the Radical Freedom worktalk, I participated in my first Feelings Practitioners Core training. This training has been one of the strongest catalysts of me coming into contact in intimacy with Life and completely transforming my point of origin of living in Reality.
2. Living within the Walls
Map of Inflammation
This is the map of inflammation.
During the Feeling Practitioners Core Lab, we studied the map of inflammation, which was absolutely resonant to my own and several other people’s experiences. It turns out that physical processes such as patterns of inflammation have roots in stuck feelings and unresolved emotional states.
In the map of inflammation, we see how walls made from unconscious anger, which is different from the way conscious anger can be used, are developed within an individual that maintain that person in a state of survival. These walls have originally come about from a survival response to a traumatic climate the person has lived. The first wall results in alienation from the outer world. A second wall is also created inside the person’s psyche that protects them from the inner world that is in a state of irresolution and helplessness, also known as a swamp.
Between these two walls, the person lives inside a very limited perspective with a decreased sense of creativity, with a lot of pressure and limited self-referral. Unable to access deeper forms of contact from within or to other beings.
I discovered I have built walls. Walls that would protect me from the world. And then, another wall that had been shielding me from my inner world which had been polluted with beliefs of me not being enough, or important. A big story in my inner landscape has been that of not belonging. I notice that many humans also have this story. This is a delicate thing that I attempt to describe. The ‘mirror cabinet’ is a discovery from this Feeling Practitioners work.
There is a specific healing process associated with this map and it requires a disposition to connect to the fear and the sadness of being alienated and removed from being in intimate contact with life and reality. Going to the core of feeling the fear and sadness, instead of the unconscious rage, would start to crumble the walls that create the disconnection. The process involves feeling this while at the same time making a decision to stay connected to community, people, opening the eyes and being in real-time connection.
My experience with this work is that it is a very cutting-edge approach to dis-ease and healing, and also the strongest to be in connection with reality. In my experience, I can attest how radically effective it is in transforming my inner world from a state of rigidity and unconscious fear and anger into that of supple openness connecting with my own conscious sadness that allows the connection with others whilst being and living in the present, in Reality.
Healing is to Live outside of the walls.
Stories are not reality. Impulses stomped from internal or external pressure is not freedom to live in reality. Living in the past or the future is not reality. Living between the walls of survival is not reality.
Healing is Living outside of the walls of disconnection. It is about feeling fully and completing emotions that were lingering from the past and not projecting into the future. Healing is living outside of the walls and this is what brings me closer to reality, where my being is positioned in the here and the now and I have access to my feelings. And through my feelings, I choose to consciously connect with other beings.
My X on the map of where I am in my evolutionary path and mostly my point of origin is now completely different. I feel to heal.
I have come to real-eyes that anything that I could fathom that reality is, passing through my mind, is not reality. That would be an incomplete and limited experience. Coming closer to reality means a convergence of my energetic, mental, physical and emotional bodies in the small here and now attending to the impulses from my Being without any stories.
In turn, living in reality means living outside of the walls that I have unconsciously put up to either protect myself or run away from perceived danger. It means having a relationship with myself that makes it possible to access my feelings. Living closer to reality means to deeply listen and connect with my natural impulses, which I am still working on expressing in the moment that they arise through the bright principles of elegance and grace. At which point, when I notice and subsequently choose to not engage in the survival strategies that suppress my impulses, I would be creating radical freedom for my Being to exist in the here and now. In this way, aligning my whole self into the present. And, finally, I have realized that living closer to reality also means that I choose to open the gates to my authentic connection with other humans — taking my position within the infinite Fabric of Life.
If you are or are not already familiar with conscious feelings work, I have some experiments that you can do on a daily basis that can start aligning your bodies to the here and now and create a deep relationship with the Source within:
Centering Practice: Every morning upon waking up, do an alignment of your bodies: Physical, Energetic and Mental. Breathe consciously and with your intention bring your energetic center into your physical center which is your dianten; and focus your attention (mind) on that spot for two minutes.
Scanning Feelings Practice: Scan your feelings for Anger, Fear, Sadness and Joy and notice each of their intensity from 1-100% and say why you feel each of them. For example, I feel 17% fear because.. I feel 34% sadness because… and so on. Maintain those feelings unmixed.
Resonant Tissues Practice: Scan your body for feelings and put them in their Resonant tissues. Anger is resonant to the bones, sadness is for the soft tissues and liquids, fear’s hole is in the nervous system and joy lives in all of the cells of the body. So, while scanning, if you find anger in the muscles, invite it with your intention to the bones that are close by and circulate it throughout your whole skeleton. If you find fear in the organs, invite it to go into the nerves around them and then into the central nervous system. If you find anything other than fear in your nervous system such as sadness, invite it into your bloodstream and have it wash into your organs. Be creative with this approach and go non-linear, interview your organs or places that you feel sensations or pain. This is a sure way to start creating a close relationship with the inner landscape in your body and aligning feelings with your physical and energetic being.